Thad Granger and his Lantern Boys deliver a sharp, satirical jab at the ghosts of bureaucracy with “Elect Me, I’ll Evacuate Ya.” This is “Diesel Folk” at its most cynical and hilarious, skewering the hollow promises of wasteland politicians who would “double the moon” if it meant getting their hands on your bunker caps. It’s a song about the absurdity of holding an election when the “campaign trail” is a literal crater.

The Fridge Door Podium

The imagery here is pure wasteland farce. From “handshakes full of iodine” to “podiums built from old fridge doors,” the song paints a picture of a candidate who is as toxic as the “Crater Theta” he’s trying to sell you. Thad’s delivery of lines like “I kissed a goat and called it wise” highlights the desperation of a world trying to replicate old power structures with none of the old resources. The “Keycard B” requirement is the ultimate bureaucratic joke—a promise of salvation that’s permanently locked behind a door nobody has the key for.

Paid for by No One

Musically, the track moves with a frantic, “campaign-stop” energy. It has the bouncy, persuasive rhythm of a traveling salesman’s pitch. The twist, of course, is the evacuation destination: “somewhere nicer like Decay-uh.” It’s a brilliant commentary on the “detour through disintegrata” that many survivors fear. By ending with the disclaimer that the message was paid for by “no one / Cause there ain’t nobody left,” the Lantern Boys remind the bunker that in the end, the only real leaders are the ones who actually stay to face the “disintegrata” with you.

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ELECT ME, I’LL EVACUATE YA

by: Thad Granger & His Lantern Boys

I got a handshake full of iodine and charm
A photo of me smilin’ next to someone with an arm
I’ll fix the water fix the air fix the things you see
But only if the vault lets go of keycard B

Elect me I’ll evacuate ya
To somewhere nicer like Decay uh
Where the blast zones bloom and the mutants pray
And the tax is light if you don’t stay
Yeah elect me I’ll evacuate ya
Right out the gate and into danger

We got podiums built from old fridge doors
And campaign trails through cratered floors
I kissed a goat and called it wise
Said I’d double the moon and ration the flies

I filibustered a tumbleweed
Declared war on a bag of feed
I passed a law that banned all rain
And repealed myself to win again

Elect me I’ll evacuate ya
Straight to the pits near Crater Theta
I’ll paint the ruins rewrite the maps
Then vanish with your bunker caps
Elect me I’ll elevate ya
Then detour through disintegrata

This message paid for by no one
Cause there ain’t nobody left